Category: My Story

While emotional support was not available in my family there was love. It was shown in a more pragmatic manner. This was especially true of my mother and she demonstrated this the most during the first six weeks of my illness.

I was sure I had a “curable” illness and would be going back to work soon. So I worked with my employer on what was required to maintain my employment while I was unable to get out of bed let alone perform my job duties. They required a weekly note from my doctor stating that I was unable to work. This is when my mother’s support kicked into high gear.

Once a week my mother would come over to my home. She would half-carry me to the bath and help me wash my hair. She would change my sheets and then lift me out of the tub and blow dry my hair. Then she would half-carry me back to the bedroom and dress me as if I was a toddler, brush my hair and then half-carry me downstairs to the car (we lived in the upper level of a duplex) and take me to the doctor. I would never have been able to do any of this on my own. Keep in mind she did this without complaint every week for six weeks in a row.

We may not always get the support or love we believe we want or even deserve, but God knows the type of love and support we need and provides it when it is most needed. I have learned to be patient with parents who did not always understand what I needed emotionally but have always been thankful for parents who showed up in the worst situations of my life with the most practical and helpful assistance. God knew exactly what He was doing when he placed me into an adoption situation where I was chosen by the people who would be some of the best helpers I would need.

God knows what we need before we need it.

Prior to the morning I woke and was unable to move I had experienced physical and emotional trauma. The physical trauma had come from eight car accidents over the past 5 or 6 years. The emotional trauma was from the experience of the marriage to my first husband and was compounded by unhealed trauma from my childhood. It is only now after years of silence I can speak of my experiences because now everything has changed. I am a new person experiencing a new life with the joy and blessing promised by my Savior.

I grew up in a family that did not talk about anything and I truly mean anything. I understand now that it wasn’t because my parents just didn’t want to teach us certain things, but I believe they didn’t know how and certainly if we did not have certain information we would be protected. Unfortunately, I was not as protected as my parents believed and so I became the victim of a family friend’s unwanted attention. I had no idea what sex was and had no idea what was happening to me. I did not have the vocabulary to speak of it and then I had parents who I knew would not talk to me about it. Thus my silence for many years. I was well into my 30s before I spoke the words, “I was molested.” I was in my 40s before I said the words out loud to my parents and even then, I was met with silence.

This eroded my self confidence for years and I was never truly able to speak up for myself in ways that would have set me free. It formed thoughts and opinions about males and their expectations for many years. In fact, the first time I was intimate with a man as an adult turned into a date rape because I was thrown back into the same state of mind from my earlier trauma. I did not acknowledge that experience for many years either.

Several years into my marriage I discovered my husbands predilection for inappropriate “reading” material. This soon transferred to the computer and many hours of his time and energy were spent scrolling through the Internet. The longer he perused the sites the more his anger grew at everything around him. He always had a quick temper but it grew until it was no longer safe to be around his outbursts. My oldest daughter’s earliest memories include instances when items were thrown in my direction. The dog was also a target. I worked very hard to protect my girls from all of this, but completely failed.

I spent two entire years praying for God to heal the situation by making me a better wife and helping me create a better environment for our family. I’m a problem solver and a helper and thought I could single-handedly help the situation. One day while spending time in reflection and prayer God told me it was not up to me to fix the problem. I began to try to get my husband to see the error in his ways and find help. After months of hoping and waiting God finally told me it was time to leave. It was too dangerous to stay. I began to pray for God to help me find a way to exit safely and began to prepare.

Unfortunately, my physical and emotional collapse happened before I could leave. I prayed even more specifically that God would provide help so I could take my girls and everything we needed. Several months went by and I continued to claim Jeremiah 29:11. I knew God was going to work out our situation. Finally, one afternoon the church scheduled a social event. I was unable to attend due to my health. The girls were at a sleepover. My husband went alone. God sent angels in the form of friends who showed up and packed up the entire house in six hours. We were fully loaded and ready to leave when my husband arrived home. With my friends there I was able to finally say enough is enough and it is time for a change.

I left that evening and never went back. Our separation was not enough for him to make the changes he needed to truly be part of a family. It took four years in the court system for him to be able to receive the full visitation rights of our children.

This is when my healing truly began. I spent many hours sleeping while my body began healing. I was able to visit with a therapist who understood my physical and emotional state. But most of all, I have a God who stayed with me every painful moment of every day and helped me walk when I asked him to help me get out of bed and move because I could not do it on my own.

God never changes. He is always there to heal and love no matter the situation in which you find yourself. He gives new life and new joy.

I woke up to the alarm piercing the quiet morning. The rest of the family was up but I had been able to sleep “late” that morning. I reached up to hit the snooze button as I always did. (Snooze and I are besties!) Then I relaxed for a few more minutes of quiet. But wait…the alarm was still screaming at me! My sleepiness abated enough for me to realize I had not really moved and I tried to lift my arm this time awake enough to know my arm did not move. I figured I was just extra tired and needed to exert more will on my body. The best I could do was slide my arm very slowly up to the headboard to get my fingers to turn the alarm button to “off.” By now I was wide awake and ready for breakfast. I still could not seem to move. I tried sitting up and got nowhere. I tried moving my legs and they remained perfectly still where they laid. My whole body felt like it was full of lead.

Unfortunately, I had to call in to work for that day and the next six weeks. I could not walk, brush my hair, bathe or anything else by myself. It was the beginning of a journey I would not wish on anyone and for a while my entire situation kept getting worse. I went into total collapse – physical, mental, and emotional. I was already having marriage trouble as well. Soon I had not only lost my health, but also my job, marriage, home, friends, and church. I did not have the resources or capability to make decisions, care for myself, or care for my children. I built a “cave” in my bedroom at my parents home and rarely came out because I did not even know how to have a conversation or explain how absolutely horrible I felt every minute of the day. How do you explain your symptoms and feelings when you don’t know what is happening to yourself?

This situation went on for several months when I finally got a diagnosis. Fibromyalgia. Unfortunately, while it was an explanation, it was not a complete answer. None of the doctors I began to see quite knew what to do about it. It was a long and lonely time of isolation and questions. I finally found a doctor who began to try various medications and slowly I began to function again. Oh how far God has brought me!

I am originally from Lincoln, Nebraska where my experience with trauma began early in life. Later, while in college, I met my first husband about half way through my college journey and trauma visited me again. After college I worked a variety of jobs knowing I wanted to go to graduate school to be a mental health therapist. I did want to take some time off because by then I was ready to work and take a break from studying. More trauma came in the form of a number of car accidents.

During my time off of school I gave birth to two beautiful girls who remain my inspiration and joy. I love being a mom! I did not like the pregnancy part but once they were born they became my whole world. While they were still very young I returned to school and finished my master’s degree.

My husband and I divorced when the children were in their first few years of grade school and the girls and I moved into my parent’s home. I don’t know what I would have done without them.

Just before our divorce I acquired Fibromyalgia ,and coupled with the issues in our marriage and subsequent divorce my world collapsed. I was determined to “get well” and was completely convinced I would be able to go back to the career I had just barely started as a Mental Health Therapist. I could not have been more wrong!

I turned to God and dove into my Bible knowing He would always be there, unchanging and wanting me to be able to prosper. I began claiming the following promise: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.” Jeremiah 29:11

This promise sustained me through incredible pain, physical and emotional, and continues to motivate me through the new plan and purpose God has revealed for my life. What has never changed is God. He has been with me since I first drew breath and always knew what He wants for me. I am learning more about this purpose every day.

My story will be revealed through the pages of the blog as I share my testimony of a Jesus who loves me radically and a God full of grace and amazing plans and how I found healing from trauma through Scripture.